Fight or flight???

Fight or Flight???
It has been so very long since I have last blogged or shared my life lessons. I gained a promotion at the beginning of this year and went on a roller coaster of happenings. I became so wound up with all of it that at times I felt like I was literally treading in deep ocean taking only small breaths to survive.
By nature, I can be an anxious person. I like to know a direction, have a plan and be given clear instructions. I like purposeful leadership. It was not there, it could not be found, I was spinning out of control, running around trying to hold it all together. trying to fill in the pieces of the puzzle from the past to help me paint the picture of now. I tried to find out if I was the only one feeling like this. I went about it all wrong. I made huge mistakes, I stuffed up big time.
I really wish I was one of those nice quiet people who everyone loves. One of those wise people who never say the wrong thing, to always have such sound words. But I am not. I am a shoot from the hip, jump right in, (don't check for shark signs) type person. I have all this enthusiasm and energy and excitement with no depth. I am shallow and surface.
I love people and I love relationship, I love serving people, I love giving, I love hospitality, I love laughing, I love doing life, I love my husband and sons with fervour, and I love my God with a passion.
But even with all those things, I still manage to not be enough. You see I worry what people think, I hate upsetting people, I am emotional, I have high expectations, I judge, I measure, I seek approval and appreciation, I am selfish, I am opinionated, I am verbal,
I am a fallen human.
This week I was so broken by and series of events that had accumulated over the year, I honestly thought at one point I wasn't going to get back up. I really thought that this is unfixable and I am a waste of space. I felt that I am a menace to society and should be locked away in a cell so that I can have no human contact again. (give me StampinUp craft gear tho to keep me occupied!!) I read what my colleagues thought of me and it broke my heart. If any random person was to read it and be asked what type of woman do you think this is? they would surely answer 'a cold hearted, selfish woman with sub-standard skills in teaching'
I have lost my way, I have become driven and seeking of glory and status. My promotion has gone to my head. I was basking in something that just wasn't there. I am not humble, diligent and loyal. I have lost the trust of people including one of my dearest and wisest friends. 
So what do I do now?
Resign and go back to being a class teacher only, hide away in my room and never raise my head again?
Run away to a little school out back and send money home to my family.
Pride is the hardest fall to come back from. It reaches deep within in your heart and squeezes every bit of self-esteem you have left. it brings you to your knees (or under the covers for a few days) It forces you to make a choice, which new path to walk? which road to go? It requires repairing and building up again. It means changes.
If you were to ask if I was a flight or fight person. The answer is flight. The only time I fight is for my sons and husband and my faith. To run away is so much easier, to start fresh somewhere else is such a good way.......of avoidance.
So,now at the ripe old age of 46 I have chosen to pick myself up, dust myself off, wipe away the tears, blow my nose!!! and move on, one step at a time. I still can't think about it without crying, but one day I won't, I will be able to rejoice at my growth as a person. 
I ask you to truly pray for me, so that I can come through this a better and more worthy person, that I will learn to be wise and humble, and not serve myself but others.
thank you xxxx